I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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