I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
