I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Randomize
