just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
