Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
