It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
