Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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