i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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