I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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