toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Randomize
