I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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