If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
