alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
