when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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