I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
