Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
