260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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