Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
