My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
