in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
