it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I have post one night stand depression
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