Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
smell my finger.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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