Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
