How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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