i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
