Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
How naked do you want me to be?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
