so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
