I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
