fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
