If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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