We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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