I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
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How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
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I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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