so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize