You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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