3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
