Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize