she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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