I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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