if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
that's an acceptable place to lick
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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