first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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