My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Drake has all the answers
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
