there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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