New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
