I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
