I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
