he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
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We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
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Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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