I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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