I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
