my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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