is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
