If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
