Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
