She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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