I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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