There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
