I'm pants shitting drunk right now
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
