i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
