genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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