god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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